Tuesday, September 2, 2014

Let me be the one

Ethan really irritates me to the point where I think I will break up with him. Sure he makes loads of money, and buys me fancy things, but that's not what I want. I want someone who will be there for me, hug me, caress me in his arms, whisper sweet nothings to me and do the stuff I want to do. I don't care about going to clubs and noisy places.

I loved it the other day when we went to Stone Mountain and just had a picnic, and then his mother calls him. I've met her once. She's a domineering in-my-face nasty woman. She treats him like dirt and he accepts it. I don't know. She irritates me too. I don't have the tolerance for a lot of people anymore. I called him a mama's boy because he's so sensitive.

I've been with him three months and that's three months too long. I make my own money and pretty good at it yet he insists on getting stuff for me because he's "the man". Last week I wanted to upgrade my phone and we were looking at the phone kiosks at the mall. I found one I liked. I asked the sales clerk about it and the details. He just had to butt in. Its like, I don't have any say so in what I want.

The one thing that really gets on my nerves is when I call him, he doesn't stay on the phone long and says he's busy. I know he has to make money; he's an oilfield sales rep, but I want someone who is emotionally there for me. I don't care about his money, or his passive-agressiveness, or his cranky old mother.

Let me be the one to break off this empty relationship.

I need to straighten myself, put Stone Cold Sarah mode on and get ready for work.

Let me be blunt

I love to complain. I really do. I do it just for the enjoyment of the simple fact that I can irritate Ethan. And I do it especially if he knows its  I want. Granted, I keep my whining to a minimum at work or any other place except when we're out in public together.

My main complaint yesterday was orthopedic shoes. Since I'm on my feet constantly at work, I needed something comfortable for my plantar fasciitis. Every morning I wake up with my feet sore since I do 12 hour shifts at the hospital or sometimes, 16 hour shifts. We were out at the mall and I saw a pair of Sketchers that were perfect for me.

Ethan looked at it and said, "too expensive".

This after he dissed 30 pairs at the other stores in the mall and even before that, we went to Shoe Carnival and none of them were right for me. I have plantar fasciitis and it comes and goes. Ethan knows about this since he's had it in the past. Finally, after lunch at a cheap Vietnamese restaurant, we found a place that specializes in shoes that were:
1) pretty shoes
2) VERY EXPENSIVE
3) Orthotics shoes

I picked a pair out and had the saleswoman fit it for me. She was very thorough. The shoes felt very comfortable but still very expensive. I wanted them. Really wanted them so I went into whine mode. For five minutes. That was enough for him to leave and then agree to them.

I can be devious when I want something.

Monday, September 1, 2014

A Crackhead on Words

That's what I call myself...as I don't have a very high perception of myself at the moment.
And
I have a lot of issues that I'm facing as they reveal themselves to me.
- Codependency
-Abandonment issues
- Imbalance of priorities
- Impulsiveness
- Insomnia
- Random intrusive thoughts
- Black and white thinking / this or that
- PTSD and all its symptoms

The codependency and the abandonment both stem from when I lost my friends in an engine room fire back in the Navy twenty-something years ago. I don't have the flashbacks anymore although I'm leery of small dark enclosed places, and the abandonment comes from trying to save a relationship. Any relationship cuz I don't want to be left alone. Close friends dying. And the relationship addiction of me consistently prioritizing the other person's needs over mine.

Why the fuck do I do this? Why can't she ever meet me halfway? How come I'm always doing the driving: first, across country, then across five hours of the Georgia gauntlet of cops waiting to give out tickets on I-75

Darla told me that "in a relationship, it takes two people to give, to put forth the effort of 100% to make it work. Without that, you're gonna be in a world of hurt". I'm just rambling right now. Trying to get my bearings in this shitty shituation.

Tuesday, August 19, 2014

Flogging the Blog

Sometimes I want to beat myself over the head with a stone mallet...maybe then I'll realize that I'm such a deprecating idiot and realize I'm amazed at my own stupidity.

I don't need anyone to be happy. I be happy on my own and not think about the past. "Codependent", "enabler"...that's what Mumbi called me. I realize this now. Maybe in my quest to settle down, I've settled at losing myself in the process. Lost my identity. I thought I loved her, yet I find myself being a KLINGON, mostly cuz I fear being alone. Yeah, I actually have a real fear, even though its not a healthy relationship. Don't get me wrong, there's lots of good things about our relationship yet there's lots of equally bad things about it and its stressing me the fuck out!

I want out! And I got out! She knew I had to study for a massive test today, yet she dropped the bomb on me yesterday when I was in class where I couldn't use my phone. She didn't even leave me voicemail. Her mood swings go from one extreme to another, which is emotionally draining my emotional investment. I guess I'm just not physically there for Sam, since we live five hours apart since mid-May.

I'm tempted to say what I feel, but I'm going beyond that and not saying anything.

I think...I should start thinking about WHAT I WANT...instead of what the other person wants.

Fuck it. I'm done talking about the past and this shit!

AARRGH

Friday, August 1, 2014

Feelz Good

My sister pointed that out to me as I was venting about Sam...

My family gets on my nerves bringing up all my faults and shortcomings with my past relationships. I tolerate their crap till they really get on my nerves then I set boundaries and tell them their own little flaws. Like my brother-in-law talking down to me in his usual condescending manner, then I set him straight. I didn't apologize for blocking him either. He just started talking to me again after two days. But I explained it to him that he was being a dick and I didn't appreciate being talked to like a kid.

I MAY HAVE BEEN codependent in past relationships with women who needed me or with women who are obsessed with me, but I don't think I'm needy with Sam. I came to realize this yesterday at 0200 AM when the melatonin failed to kick in. Nah, I don't think I'm needy at all...if anything, I'm emotionally attached to Sam as she is with me. We talked for an hour before she went to work and yes, we still communicate after all our differences. She says, "You know, I think we are soul mates, and even without the sex, we'd still be talking or hanging out together. Don't stay apart from me too long. Our connection is intoxicating."

We both hate being apart from each other and since we can't do anything about it till we get our shit done, we decided to play a reward game: we get our goals crossed off and we reward ourselves with seeing each other in the other state. Yeah, that totally motivates me to get my issues resolved much faster.

I know I have my trust / commitment issues to work out and she knows this. She has plate full of crap too. I'm fucked up in the head but knowing that I'm not alone is fine by me. I can accept and live with this. For so many years, I thought I was alone. I finally have someone who has similar crap like me.

Yeah. I can live with myself now.