Tuesday, August 19, 2014

Flogging the Blog

Sometimes I want to beat myself over the head with a stone mallet...maybe then I'll realize that I'm such a deprecating idiot and realize I'm amazed at my own stupidity.

I don't need anyone to be happy. I be happy on my own and not think about the past. "Codependent", "enabler"...that's what Mumbi called me. I realize this now. Maybe in my quest to settle down, I've settled at losing myself in the process. Lost my identity. I thought I loved her, yet I find myself being a KLINGON, mostly cuz I fear being alone. Yeah, I actually have a real fear, even though its not a healthy relationship. Don't get me wrong, there's lots of good things about our relationship yet there's lots of equally bad things about it and its stressing me the fuck out!

I want out! And I got out! She knew I had to study for a massive test today, yet she dropped the bomb on me yesterday when I was in class where I couldn't use my phone. She didn't even leave me voicemail. Her mood swings go from one extreme to another, which is emotionally draining my emotional investment. I guess I'm just not physically there for Sam, since we live five hours apart since mid-May.

I'm tempted to say what I feel, but I'm going beyond that and not saying anything.

I think...I should start thinking about WHAT I WANT...instead of what the other person wants.

Fuck it. I'm done talking about the past and this shit!

AARRGH

Friday, August 1, 2014

Feelz Good

My sister pointed that out to me as I was venting about Sam...

My family gets on my nerves bringing up all my faults and shortcomings with my past relationships. I tolerate their crap till they really get on my nerves then I set boundaries and tell them their own little flaws. Like my brother-in-law talking down to me in his usual condescending manner, then I set him straight. I didn't apologize for blocking him either. He just started talking to me again after two days. But I explained it to him that he was being a dick and I didn't appreciate being talked to like a kid.

I MAY HAVE BEEN codependent in past relationships with women who needed me or with women who are obsessed with me, but I don't think I'm needy with Sam. I came to realize this yesterday at 0200 AM when the melatonin failed to kick in. Nah, I don't think I'm needy at all...if anything, I'm emotionally attached to Sam as she is with me. We talked for an hour before she went to work and yes, we still communicate after all our differences. She says, "You know, I think we are soul mates, and even without the sex, we'd still be talking or hanging out together. Don't stay apart from me too long. Our connection is intoxicating."

We both hate being apart from each other and since we can't do anything about it till we get our shit done, we decided to play a reward game: we get our goals crossed off and we reward ourselves with seeing each other in the other state. Yeah, that totally motivates me to get my issues resolved much faster.

I know I have my trust / commitment issues to work out and she knows this. She has plate full of crap too. I'm fucked up in the head but knowing that I'm not alone is fine by me. I can accept and live with this. For so many years, I thought I was alone. I finally have someone who has similar crap like me.

Yeah. I can live with myself now.

Monday, July 28, 2014

Gravity

I'm falling to Earth...to be grounded again.

I kinda like it. Sure it feels great to be in love, but its better to love yourself as hard as that seems sometimes. And sometimes, the one that you love may not be necessarily good for you. I know she is. She's a good person at heart; she's just bitter at her life and the way it turned out. She had a reality check last night and it made her realize that she's been selfish all this time with her thinking of killing herself. I've told her that a zillion times that suicide is a selfish act and why the fuck would she want her kids motherless? I'm glad she's come to this realization to stop wallowing in self pity. As her best friend, I can only be grateful for the person who woke her up from this negative loop.

She has a lot of issues to face as do I and I can't throw stones. I'm greatly flawed myself. And I can't help others if I can't help myself...so gravitating to earth is grounding me.

Gravity...it feels great to be ALIVE on earth again. Even though I'll miss her, I feel happy that we didn't burn bridges. I'll feel even better when she's happier, healthier, and whole again. That's all I can hope for.

Namaste, Sam.

Live well. 831

Saturday, July 26, 2014

Borderline Personality Disorder

Its really hard being in a relationship/friendship with Sam since she's ALWAYS stressed out and insecure of herself. I've been researching BPD and Sam definitely has a lot of the symptoms:

  • suicidal ideation
  • feelings of emptiness and abandonment when I'm not around
  • high stress levels
  • clinical depression
  • severe mood swings and anxiety
I don't know what else to do but comfort her over the phone. But most of the time, that's not enough. I told her to go see a doctor, but she refuses and gives me the excuse that she "doesn't have the money" blah blah blah. Told her that the stress is gonna age her and kill her. Sometimes I think that's what she wants. She complains her job sucks and I told her to dress up her resume and look for another job. She procrastinates Sor has a loss of time--she has trouble focusing, concentrating on daily tasks like paying bills. 

I've repeatedly told her that I'm her friend to the end like the urbandictionary definition of  "Friends: people who are aware of how retarded you are and yet still manage to be seen with you in public".

I absolutely hate seeing her this way. It drains me too. Its not healthy for me either. I've never been with a borderline so this is all new to me. Sometimes I wonder if I am borderline myself since I text bombed her phone all worried about her hiatus from the phone and internet, and worrying about her made me send her five emails. And even though I've realized that love makes me do stupid shit, common sense prevails and tells me this is a toxic relationship. I'm torn between emotion and reasoning...

Ugh.

Thursday, July 10, 2014

Policy of Truth

WE operate on a policy of truth.

As long as we know its the truth that we can see, then it is so. We fought for what seems like weeks when it was all a misunderstanding. She went off the deep end on what I said and she couldn't control her emotions, going off on a tangent. We're still so emotionally attached to each other that its just impossible to deny it, if anything. Can't label or categorize it but just as best friends; friendship.

She couldn't understand the meaning of "friend". And I was curious on what it actually meant. For the longest time, she's been disgusted with that word. I liked the urbandictionary definition: "friends--people who are aware of how retarded you are, yet still manage to be seen with you in public".

Yeah, that sums it up. I know we're both retarded--socially inept adults, in a complex relationship with emotional benefits. As Perry Como said, "if I had you, could I ever want for more? Its just impossible!"