Thursday, July 10, 2014

Policy of Truth

WE operate on a policy of truth.

As long as we know its the truth that we can see, then it is so. We fought for what seems like weeks when it was all a misunderstanding. She went off the deep end on what I said and she couldn't control her emotions, going off on a tangent. We're still so emotionally attached to each other that its just impossible to deny it, if anything. Can't label or categorize it but just as best friends; friendship.

She couldn't understand the meaning of "friend". And I was curious on what it actually meant. For the longest time, she's been disgusted with that word. I liked the urbandictionary definition: "friends--people who are aware of how retarded you are, yet still manage to be seen with you in public".

Yeah, that sums it up. I know we're both retarded--socially inept adults, in a complex relationship with emotional benefits. As Perry Como said, "if I had you, could I ever want for more? Its just impossible!"

Tuesday, July 1, 2014

831

Remember back in the day before the advent of cellphones, in high school I had a beeper.

Yes, I'm that old.

My friends and I would come up with ways to say words without actually typing them in. With beepers, you couldn't anyway. Beepers just gave out numbers. So if my Mom wanted me to call her after I got home, she would leave me the number she was calling from on my beeper. Mine was dark green and also gave me the time and date. A friend had a beeper in the shape of a car; mine wasn't that extravagant. Just a boxy green one.

My favorite number I still use today in text is 831: means EIGHT letters, THREE words, ONE meaning. I told Sam about that one time and she didn't know what that meant. She did remember having a beeper. When she found out, she was delighted...like she learned something new.

She called me last night for the first time in a week.

831

Friday, June 27, 2014

Letting Her Go

Thank you for giving me the closure that I needed.

Be safe and have a good life.

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Yeah. I can finally let you go and move on.
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Read somewhere that "intense interpersonal relationships are short and don't last long." Was that what we had? I'm reflecting now. The longest one lasting for me consecutively was Sam at a year and two months.

Thursday, June 26, 2014

Flesh Wounds

"There is an ocean between us. WHY??????"

The ocean you created? I just wanted to vent to you but you took it the wrong way and got offended. Went off the deep end and told me I wasn't good enough for you. And then when I called you out on your head game of manipulating me to move down there for you--even though I made my mind to be there AFTER Christmas cuz of snow and ice and wanting to be with my family, you said that you're going to spend the holidays alone. Purely selfish act. Give up my family and life for you.

And when you told me I wasn't good enough for you, and I tell you why that bothered and irritated me, you go on this evangelical tirade that I should "succeed and fly like an eagle cuz that would mean I had a good and positive influence on you."

What. The. Fuck. Was. That. About...

Was it the ocean that you've just created?

I've fallen deep and hard for you and then when you tell me you're online dating to meet other men, I'm even more disgusted and hurt. You weren't really focusing on school because you were wanting to replace me. I really don't know what the hell is going on in your mind now. Called me blind-sided and confused.

Then when I saw your email today saying, "I miss you horribly." There's no justification in what you've said previously. What is going on with you? I understand your loneliness but you've blew me completely out in left field.

Moving on is hard. And difficult. And you know how to illicit a response from me so its hard for me to ignore you. I'll get better. I won't check my phone or email so much. Fresh wounds and I'm tired of getting them reopened by you.

I promise I won't get so blinded and blind-sided by your love any more. Rough seas ahead...

Wednesday, June 25, 2014

I miss you so bad

Her words were erratic yesterday, so were her moods. She said she was having bad mood swings and she needed to be on an antidepressant or something. Then I callHed her on the phone and she laid it out to me: "You're so perfect for me in every way, but you can't support or take care of me. I'm becoming selfish and I don't want to be and I miss you so fucking bad. Before, I thought it was all for the kids, but now its all about me and what I want".

Um wow.

I sent a few more texts then I stopped. Her service with T-Mobile sucks. They're not living up to their name. I told her that we're friends first and foremost. She said that she's going to use her in-laws to go to school and make some money for herself. She says she might lose me in the process.

Hmm. Whatever it takes to have a better life for yourself.

I don't know what to say except I'm done.